Make it Better...Write on Wednesday Exercise...Corner Store

I am joining in with Write on Wednesdays and this week is all about editing and offering & accepting constructive criticism, which are both vital parts of the writing process.  Pop over here if you want to join in.


The Write On Wednesday Rules: Get creative with the writing exercises - there isn't a right or wrong. Please do try to visit the other members of Write On Wednesdays and leave a comment of support and constructive criticism. 

Write On Wednesdays Exercise 18 - Look through your previous WoW posts (or select a short writing piece that you would like to work on). Read through your piece carefully and let's attempt to make it better. Look for redundant words, cliches or overused phrases. Chop and change. This is not an exercise in word count, it's not about simply whittling it down. Make it a better piece of writing. Post your original and edited piece. THEN, throw it to the*wolves. Ask for advice from WoWers. With  help you can make your writing shine. ** This article on criticism may help you get your brave on.


I have chosen Corner Store as a my piece to edit as I have only done one WoW post previously (and it was a one liner! Not much to edit!).  Please provide constructive feedback.  Thanks :)

Corner Store

I heard the bell jingle as he come in the door. My spine tingled.  Not that creep.  I didn't want him to see me.  I needed to escape before he saw me here, but that damned bell would give me away.  Where was Luigi?  At least if Luigi was here, I might feel safe enough, but no-one else was in here.  I just needed to try to work out how to get out of here without him noticing.


I refused to look around. I knew that it would be him, but I would not give in. I busied my hands as though it was really difficult to pick up a packet of chips. Not easy when there are only three packets there. Why the hell didn't they have more stock in this god-forsaken shop. 


The floor creaked as he moved from the doorway. My heart beat was now resounding through the entire shop. I could no longer swallow as my heart had somehow crept up into my throat. Great. I was now going to die here. Right here, right now. This dirty creepy old shop. I refused to look around. My fingers were getting colder and my tongue had swollen to the size of a footy oval. I really was about to die. I tried to remember if I had actually signed that Will, or if it was still just filled out in pencil. 


The floor creaked again. My heart did one enormous beat. Was it actually possible for a heart to do this? Beat fast in a throat, then do one enormous beat? Or was this what happen just before people had a sudden heart attack and died? No saliva left now. My feet couldn't move. Where the hell was Luigi? I took very shallow breaths so that my air did not move the space around me. I did not dare to touch anything for fear of making noise. I just stood there. Still. As a statue. 


Another creak. This time it came from upstairs: Luigi. Thank goodness for that. He must have heard the bell jingle. Why did it take him so long? Am I in a time warp? My neck was starting to ache from holding my head up. I felt dizzy. I could feel the presence behind me, creeping around, creaking the old wooden floor boards. I could hear him picking up dusty produce off the shelves and throwing them in a basket. What was he up to? I daren't turn. If I didn't move, I wasn't here. 


I could hear him getting closer. His movement was pushing the air into me like a semi-trailer barrelling down at 100km per hour.  My heart seemed to be creeping into my mouth. What would it do then? Would it actually sit in my mouth? My whole heart, throbbing in my mouth, blood and all pumping out of it? What if I accidentally spat it out on the floor here in this quiet, gentle corner store. My heart for all to see. Bare my heart, on the floor. Beating it's pathetic little irregular beats, budump, burdump, dudump, du, du, dudump, burdump. Luigi would see. He would see. Anyone could see.


I reached out with my freezing cold hand to the chip shelf and missed. I accidentally hit one of the three bags of chips, BBQ, yuk. I felt sick now. I had to move. He was getting too close. Luigi's steps were getting heavier as he came down the narrow dark staircase. I lifted my first foot that was now made of concrete, and then the other, pulled my hat down over my eyes with my whitish-yellow finger, now made of icicles, and tried to creep down the window side of the aisle.

"Celina," Luigi called, as he came out of the bottom of the staircase. I felt him turn towards me. I reached for the door with the bell and as quickly as I could, fled into the sunshine.